Mom, Will You Remember Me?

“Goodbye Mom,” I said with a wrenched heart and salty puddles in my eyes. From the illness she didn’t know me anymore. But . . . she squeezed my hand as if to say goodbye.

I couldn’t look back, I couldn’t go back. It was as if something inside of me had died. How can a person still be breathing, living and forget their life? How could a mother not know her own child?

I could hardly swallow, my eyes felt like they were swollen shut, and my heart was bruised from a dark truth too unfeasible to believe.

Was there anything more that I could have done to stay connected to her? Wasn’t there something I could have said that would have made her remember me?

One moment I saw a blank stare, the next I was the brunt of a stranger’s anger. It was as if her kind spirit had already left her. Even though I had painstakingly bathed her, artfully yet labored to cloth her, and sometimes hastily or patiently fed her I was still an unfamiliar person.

Every day I have questioned myself “I was a good child, wasn’t I? Did I care for my mother as best I could through her illness? She knew that I loved her, didn’t she?"

God you knew I did what I could until it was physically impossible. I loved her even when I lost all patience. But even now, as I look back, I hold on to regrets and still pray as I do now asking You for forgiveness for not doing more. Could I have done more?

From here, in this quiet place, I pray for you mom. It hurts so much to know where you are. How much could you be suffering. How lonely and lost are you without a familiar living soul to comfort you? I pray that in a clear cohesive moment you will remember Christ one more time and recall that you believed that you will have eternal life. Yet selfishly, in one of those cohesive moments I wonder, "Will you remember me?"

Dear Lord, I think my heart stopped when I received the call. In one moment my dim days turned to blackness. My mom was no longer here with me to touch, to love, to hug. I’ve never felt so self-condemned, beaten and lonely. More than ever I pray to you Lord, seeking comfort in my time of sorrow.

Only you know when my grief will leave me. It could be years . . . or perhaps never -- in my lifetime. With reverence now, I pray for forgiveness for all the yesterdays that I lost hope, all the tomorrows that I may doubt my faith, and for this weak moment. Please release me from all the anger that may well up inside when I am feeling lonely, depressed and cheated. Please forgive me and help me now.

I know you created me and my mother in love. I saw the gifts you gave her and those that she shared with others. I look at my hands and wonder what part of her is in me. I witnessed her touch other’s lives.

Help me to one day begin to heal, to live again and to gladly serve others as I know my mother did. Give me the ability to be wholeheartedly charitable, feed me words of compassion, and open up windows of time that will allow me to seek and see your Goodness! I ask for these little things, for they are just nibblets of what you have done for a world filled with selfish and selfless people.

I can’t imagine what you must have felt Lord when your Son suffered through His brief teaching life and in his last days and on the cross. All I know is what I feel through my own loss. What I do hold in my heart, however, is the hope that your Son left behind. With that hope I grasps with both hands and hold on tight.

It seems we all have crosses to bear. And this thought still leaves me with a host of questions. How can I bear something that seems beyond me? How can I recover from the darkest time in my life? How can I go on?

As life takes twists and turns, I know I will always revert back to hope and faith. I know you didn’t promise that it would be easy. You didn’t say that we would like it. What you did promise is to be a God of mercy and love. In my darkess I struggle to know your mercy . . . and to receive that promise of love.

After time . . .

There were times I felt as though I could not make it through. And in the morning I always woke to one of your glorious sunrises. In that morning light I always saw the calm after the storm. I will keep my eyes set on that great light.

Thank you Lord for the graces in my life, the people you’ve put here to touch me and for your Son who gives me hope and inspiration to go on.

Amen.


P.S. Mom,you always remembered me. And I am happy for the time we had.